By sandi | June 12, 2008
I hear this question so many times a day by people who are genuinely concerned for me and my family. It is so nice to know people care but the answer isn’t so simple. Generally, I my response is “fine” . . . How can I not say that? My life is great. I am blessed to be a stay at home mom, I have a wonderful husband who loves me beyond words, I have 3 perfect little girls, we live a comfortable life.
Of course I know they are asking about the adoption process and my emotional state during it all. That answer is super complex. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that years later I will look back on this time and think it was so short (I feel that way now about my 3 year journey with infertility). I know that every moment will be worth it. This is me on my brave/strong days.
Lately I have been having more and more weak days, those that my heart can’t handle the today. Thinking back on my infertility I remember having so many days like that. So many days where the whole process overwhelmed me and I couldn’t see straight. Those are the days I am in right now. I KNOW he is out there, I KNOW he is alive, somewhere in Ethiopia and I am here. I don’t know his daily struggles but I know that I am not there to comfort him during them.
The courts are closing August 6th. I know that this closure is what is making my heart so heavy. Our agency, Children’s Hope International, hasn’t had a referral in 3 weeks, and yes I know that so many things go into offering these referrals that it isn’t all that easy to get them, but still my heart is heavy. I yearn to see and hold my child. The window grows smaller and smaller each day and my hope of having my boy home before the closure narrows as well.
So if I were being completely honest to everyone who asks I would say I am feeling sad and despondent, but I know it will all work out in the end. I have faith in my life plan, I am just working on accepting the fact that it isn’t how I would have planned it.