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My beautiful baby
By sandi | August 17, 2008
6 years ago on a Sunday night much like tonight I was pregnant with my first child. I was preparing to start the school year off with a fresh bunch of 3rd graders the very next day. As I sat in my home that night I kept crying and telling Bill, “what if something goes wrong?”, “what if something is wrong with the baby?”, “what if something terrible happens?” I had a deep-seated fear that something was not right; call it Mother’s intuition, I knew something was not right. This was completely expected because the pregnancy was barely viable at first and hanging on by a thread after that. I finally fell to sleep that night and had no idea the nightmare the next day would hold for me.
Everything went well all day. I was feeling good, morning sickness (which was all-day sickness for me) was still there and things seemed fine. I felt that same pang of uncertainty when I contemplated telling my class about my pregnancy. (I never showed until about 6 months because I never gained much weight.) I decided not to tell them and am thankful that I didn’t. At the end of the school day everything fell apart quickly, I was bleeding profusely and in shock and experiencing trauma. Even though the nurse assured me that this can happen sometimes, I just knew.
My good friend at school came in to help me. She drove me to the doctor’s office and even picked up my Mother along the way. I really appreciate her stepping in and helping me when my world was spinning every direction and I couldn’t bear the next moment. When we arrived at the Doctor Bill was there ready to take me in. We went in and heard the words that nobody ever wants to hear. Our baby was dead, there was nothing they could do. The image of her on the ultrasound machine without a heart beat is ingrained in my mind.
I really cannot explain how hard that day was for me or how much it is still an open wound in me. If I could show you my mind you could see it all in perfect detail. (How about survival instincts there, your mind clearly keeps the horrific stuff more vividly than the easy wonderful moments. Very amazing to me, but then I am a huge fan of the brain and am in constant awe of it.)
Today it is 6 years later. I still feel that huge ache each time this day comes around. This wound has the slightest membrane of a scar over it. Any mention of someone else in a similar situation and it starts to ooze again. I don’t think it will ever heal, it is just part of me. A wonderful, beautiful little part of me that I have to wait until I get to Heaven to see.
Happy Birthday to my perfect Elizabeth. I think of you often and long to hold you in my arms.
Topics: Therapy | 6 Comments »
August 18th, 2008 at 6:40 am
August 18th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Sandi, I thank you for sharing your experience. I know you do it for your own healing but I appreciate you letting us see this piece of you. My candle will burn for Elizabeth today. It’s the same one I have been lighting for her every year since I met you. I noticed I only seem to light it on this day when I am thinking of you and bill and your family. Love and Prayers.
August 18th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Sandi, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Bill. Oh, the pain, I know, and what rejoicing in Heaven that day will bring. (((big huge hugs)))
August 18th, 2008 at 9:50 am
((Hugs)) You and Bill are in my thoughts and prayers.
August 23rd, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Sandi – This is so beautifully written and such a wonderful tribute to your Elizabeth. Thank you for sharing.
August 14th, 2010 at 9:01 pm
[...] is Elizabeth’s birthday. She isn’t here. Every year this date opens that wound and makes my heart [...]