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Help! We may have entered the Terrible Twos!
By sandi | October 22, 2009
We need help. Paul is the first child we have had that has, what I have to assume are terrible two, tantrums. Sure the other kids have had them but not constantly, and about anything and everything. He screams and yells for a long time about anything and everything. You can tell he is angry. I don’t know what to do.
Generally I ignore it. That is what we did with the Girls but they had fits once in a while and it wasn’t a constant issue. His don’t seem to be getting any better, in fact, he is becoming a professional temper tantrum thrower.
Currently he is in his bed screaming, not crying, over the fact that it is nap time. Before nap time it was lunch time. He refused to eat his peas and chicken nuggets, which was what everyone else was eating. He proceeded to push his plate away three times before I assumed he was just too tired to eat and took him up to bed.
He seems to be getting more and more angry more and more often. I have been trying to figure out what is going on here. I would have to assume that these are little power plays made by him and that he is having some terrible two issues.
Please give me any feedback you have had with any of your children who have done this.
I wrote earlier this week about him waking up 3-4 times per night. He is still doing that and I am beginning to wonder if this is the same issue or a separate one. The other night he only wanted me to comfort him and last night he only wanted Bill. Are these power plays too? Is he just waking us at night so that we are worn out and give into his temper tantrums?
If you have read a book that deals with this please pass it on. We need all the help we can get.
Topics: Paul | 8 Comments »
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I can totally understand your frustration! I swear Mari has given me a huge run for my money over the last year or so. One of the best books I’ve read (and Christy Komnick suggested it) was The Connected Child. While a lot of it doesn’t apply because it does deal with older kids mostly, it really did help me understand her tantrums. I had to learn to differentiate between whether they were truly power plays or whether they were fear and/or frustration. The power plays were simple – she did it because she didn’t get her way or wanted attention and they are usually stopped pretty fast by ignoring (although they were longer at first because it took her awhile to understand that I would ignore her until doom’s day if I had to). The other type usually resulted from something that upset her; a transition, a change in routine, just struggling with a new developmental stage – these tantrums were a little different in that she couldn’t seem to control herself and you could really see the look of confusion in her eyes. The problem was that, before I identified those “fear” tantrums, I would treat them like the others and either ignore her or go to battle…this just escalated the situation and we were totally out of control. Totally. Like my mom came over a couple times just so I could regroup.
It’s getting better now. I really like the way my smiley faces are working…she is very clued into the emotions of it. It may be a little far fetched for Paul yet but you could probably modify…find something he really likes (for Mari, it is TV) and give him a smiley face…if he misbehaves, then you change it to a frownie face and take away the “prize.” It is working SO WELL with Mari and we are a month into it.
I have found that I also have to be in total control of my emotions. Never change my tone, my voice, anything. I talk just like I talk when I tell her it’s dinnertime, etc. It is SO HARD.
One thing I would look for is triggers…Mari gets this way when there is a transition. I can actually tell what her behavior is going to be by which teacher has late duty at school…there is one that she doesn’t “click” with and by the time I pick her up, she is so anxious that she wears it out on me. I’ve tried to explain to the teachers (since she is always so sweet and cooperative at school, they never believe that she can be a hellion at home) that what happens is that she tries to hold it together and do what is asked of her out of distrust…there is also a chemical reaction going on in her body (similar to an adrenaline rush – they talk about this in the Connected Child) that keeps her on edge. When she gets home with me, knowing she can trust me to love her unconditionally, she lets off steam and I get ripped on. Imagine how you would feel if you were on edge and fearful all day long and then you went into a situation that was comfortable and safe…you would just fall apart. So I keep that in mind. I wonder if Paul is not feeling abandoned and afraid because the girls are in school now.
As for the sleep thing, Mari went through a stage at about 18 months and then again around her 2nd birthday of waking up between 2-4 every morning. Her pediatrician said that they do that alot when they are going through big developmental changes (and Mari was each time)…her lasted about 4-5 weeks and nearly killed me off!
I think the best advice is to differentiate the tantrums and then to deal with them appropriately. The fear/frustration one is easy…love, love, love, reassurance, patience. The anger/power struggles are a totally different story. you have to find what works for you…the smiley/frownie faces and TV timeout work for us. We haven’t used the timeout chair in over a month.
Try the Connected Child book….it is an easy read and very insightful.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
I have no toddler specific advice to offer. I’m sorry because you’ve always been such a help to me.
1) I want to call you, but by the time I was available last night it was way too late. I’ll try to call today on the ride home when the kids nap…if they nap.
2) With Amado and his behavior, we found that trying to maintain a constant in our emotions helped a TON. It’s next to impossible to do and almost always requires some major alone time after dealing with a stressful situation, but he is much more responsive when we are calm.
Good luck and please keep us posted. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. For what it’s worth, I’m thinking of getting a Ph.D. in sociology (or something?) where I can study Ethiopian children and temperament. I’m fairly sure there’s nobody more stubborn on the planet.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:58 pm
And after all that, we just had the most hellish trip to Michaels and Target. Argh!! She totally flipped out in Michaels cause I made her get in the shopping cart because she wasn’t listening (and she got PLENTY of warnings). I had to force her in the cart, kicking and shrieking and hitting me and then she continued to scream as I went to the front of the cart and pulled it behind me, totally ignoring her. She screamed for about 2 minutes and then was fine and even apologized to me when it was all over. It’s nuts. ARGH!
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Hello, sorry to hear about the terrible twos. We are dealing with ALOT of the same issues and I have yet to find the exact answer. Ayana seems to need mommy alot, she doesn’t really go with the flow and I have made SOME changes. Dinner is awful she doesn’t like it, or she throws it on the floor or she wants to feed herself all while screaming. I figured out that if she eats first and by herself then she’s calmer. I think she gets hungry earlier so she eats close to 4:30 and snacks when we eat dinner. Ayana also wakes up several times a night. My pediatrician is recommending a sleep study but I am getting a second opinion before I do that. Per her Dr. her tonsils are very large and they are blocking her airway when she sleeps (obstructed sleep apnea). We don’t do to many outings ie restaurants,stores unless she has just woken up and I always bring snacks, drinks and entertainment. I heard Parenting the strong willed child is a good book but you probably have already read it. I find that if I bring her outside during these meltdowns she calms down so that is how we are handling it now. Lots of walks around the neighborhood! Good luck, let me know if you find THE answer
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:37 pm
I just wanted to add that we went through this with Ryelynn as well. We still do sometimes.
The connected child was a great read for us too. I recommend it also.
Trying to figure out what triggers the trantrums is key…just like Jill said. I don’t have to restate it I guess.
As for sleeping, the one thing that we have to do for her is to put a gate up in front of her door. I HATE it. But, as much as she doesn’t like it, it’s something that’s the same every night. If her gate isn’t up, she will be up LOTS every night. If her gate is up, she will sleep all night long. We don’t put it up until after she is asleep, so she doesn’t know it’s there until morning, but as weird as it is, this has to be up.
Another thing that we deal with with Ryelynn and sleep is hypervigilance. She knows when I’m in the house. She won’t sleep, or sleep lots less (like hours less for a nap), if I’m in the house. At night, she won’t fall asleep until she “knows” that I’m heading to bed. When I wake up in the morning, I have to walk past her room. she knows that I’m awake. Within 3 minutes every morning, she will be up. It doesn’t matter what time she went to bed or how much sleep she got, she will wake up with me. Our International Adoption DR, said that it is just hyper vigiliance, and is actually good for attachment….no matter how frustrating for me.
Don’t know if this helped or not….
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:54 am
Oh no! I have no advice to offer but Sam has started tantrums WAY early (at 13 mos.) We are hoping it goes away quickly, but are preparing for the worst: early terrible 2s. If that is the case, we are praying it’s all over by 18-20 mos, because I don’t think we could do this for 1+ years.
For Sam, it’s when he’s (1) tired (2) frustrated (3) not getting his way. If he’s seated he just starts bawling (fake tears usually) and kicking his feet on the ground. If he’s standing/walking, he flings himself on the floor, which usually results in a head-bonk, which only makes it worse. Sometimes he is consolible, often not. Either way we hold him (he sometimes fights this) and tell him everything will be okay. Often if he has a bottle nearby, he’ll grab it and it will lessen the tantrum time.
So sorry you are going through this, especially since it didn’t happen with the girls so you have no real frame of referrence.
What does Grammy say: were you like this as a child? How did she cope? Hopefully friends w/ 2+ year olds & Grammy can provide some help/comfort/tips/understanding.
Hugs my friend. Hugs.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:45 pm
My girls did not tantrum, but my sons did. I found when we were not staying on a schedule they were worse. I am reading the connected child right now and am finding it interesting. It is hard to say why he is tantruming, but the book might help you figure it out. I will be praying you can figure out what he needs, and also for you, as I know how stressful situations like this can become.
((Hugs))
Julie
October 24th, 2009 at 11:15 am
I’ve been thinking about this…I think we notice the tantrums more when Ian feels like he has no control in a situation. (I think he is testing to see how much he can “affect” a situation.) I think the thing that makes the biggest improvement for us is when we can remember to give him two acceptable options and he can select one (this is preventative).
Sometimes there are no options and he needs to learn that also…that is when time-out usually has to come into the picture for us. (I struggle with not giving warnings, but making sure he knows the rule and each time it is broken, there are immediate consequences…no bargaining. When I can actually hold to this consistently, I notice he is more cooperative in general. When I slip, which is often, he begins testing again.)
We have read 2 books that we have taken pieces and parts from: “Parenting with love and logic” & “PARACHUTES FOR PARENTS”.
Overall though, I think there is a lot of physical activity/agression that Ian expresses…and he seem to do it in one way or another. I say take him to the park/backyard and let him RUN/JUMP/THROW/KICK…OFTEN!
Good Luck…Please share your solutions as they work…maybe we can use too.