One of the biggest changes is that I actually get about an hour a day all by myself. I haven’t had that kind of time to myself in a long time. I have always had one kid awake while the other is napping. Right now I am just using the time to rest and just enjoy the quiet. I know in time I will use this time much more productively. For right now I just want to be lazy.

The older Girls are adjusting to their new schedule and demands. Yesterday was gymnastics night and it proved to be a very long day. It even included a meltdown from Annie which is pretty much unheard of. Annie and Kimberly love their new teacher and are excited about learning.

Madeline is adjusting to Kindergarten. She is EXHAUSTED when she comes home. She has had many tantrums and outbursts this week, which I think are due to her exhaustion. She even yelled at her Grammy yesterday, something she never does. It is a hard adjustment. She really enjoys her alone time and she now has to figure out how to spend 6 hours a day surrounded by people and stimulation. (You would have thought our busy house would do that, but she goes off on her own and ignores us a lot.) She is excited for her learning and can’t wait to read chapter books. I told her she won’t learn this in Kindergarten but she says she will and honestly she is probably right. Mimi loves to push the envelope.

We are all trying to find our new normal. Soon, very soon we will be back to “normal”.

Today as I dropped Annie and Kimberly off they rushed off onto the playground. I had to call them back to give me a hug and kiss. (*I had the camera with me and was tempted to pull it out to snap a picture of them running off, but I knew it was a moment I would not forget.)

Madeline ran off and played on the playground. When it was time to line up I had to remind her to give Paul and I a hug and kiss good-bye.

They are growing up. It is happening and I am not sure I am ready. I need them more than they need me. Hopefully the pitty party will be over soon and I can be more excited about them growing up again.

Madeline had her first day in Kindergarten.

We celebrated the day with First Day cakes.

It was a nice day. The kids all enjoyed their classes, except for the fact that Annie and Kimberly said recess was way to short.

The kids really took their time in the bath tonight making sure they would be clean enough for school. We reviewed their morning checklist. They laid out their sassy outfits to wear in the morning. I snuggled each one individually and we talked about their thoughts about the upcoming school year.

When I was talking to Annie she changed the subject and started telling me how to take care of Paul. She was telling me that he likes to play trains, and that I will have to help him make the track. She gave me many pointers on his care. I didn’t say anything to her but inside I was busting up laughing. Who does she think taught her how to play with him? Who took care of her when she was a baby? We certainly didn’t have a 6 year old around to tell me how to do it. How did I manage? I told her that I knew how to play with Paul and that he would be okay while she was off at school. It is always interesting to me how her anxiety is manifested.

We read The Kissing Hand and I drew hearts on their hands. This year they asked if they could draw a heart on my hand. Each girl drew a heart on my hand so that I would have their love while they were away.

Unfortunately we could not find our copy of Owl Babies to read. We had to go without this year.

Then I kissed them goodnight and I went off to make their First Day of School Celebration cakes. This is a new tradition for us. I am excited to see how the kids react to their individual cakes. It is clear that my cake decorating skills need quite a bit of work. Maybe by the time they are in college I will have it right. At least I have star candles to adorn them with and that should make up for the lack of pipping skills I have.

While waiting for the cakes to cook and cool Bill and I created their first day lunch.

They are all so excited. I know this is going to be a great year for them.

Since it is the end of summer and we needed to place the Girls in their next class the coaches did little evaluations on them.

Madeline was evaluated and they found out that she is very talented in the area of gymnastics. Not only that she is super flexible. She can do a full splits and a backbend kickover with ease. They wanted to place her in the Superstars class, which is by invitation only. I am glad she has found something that she excels at. I cannot wait to see how much more she matures this year.

Kimberly was evaluated and found that she can do enough stuff to warrant her being placed in the Level 2 class. She has really been concentrating at home on perfecting her handstand. She will work on it for at least a half hour daily. She can now do it easily. It is amazing to watch her become such a driven and determined girl.

Annie was evaluated and will be going into Level 1. It is obvious that her strength is the balance beam. She can hop along the high beam like a rabbit and never lose her balance. This is saying a lot because Annie tends to be less coordinated like her father. She loves doing gymnastics but doesn’t enjoy perfecting a move as much as the other girls do. It is fun and stimulating for her and honestly that is all Annie needs.

Paul will be going back into gymnastics at the end of the month. He is excited for the day that it is his turn to go. Everytime the Girls go to class he asks me if it is his turn.

So if you need me on Wednesday afternoons you can find me at the gym. I’ll be the one wearing the pink button.

Saturday morning came and she brought down the first load. I taught her how to measure soap, load the clothes and how to transfer them to the dryer. She even got to spray on the Zout, which she was excited to do since I never let them use “chemicals” normally.

She did a wonderful job. She was so proud of herself and by this afternoon I felt confident enough in her abilities that I let her do a load of pool towels all on her own. I am so proud of my little lady, she is always striving to do more, be more and help out.

Annie was at Grammy’s house spending the night and unfortunately the storm missed them. It has been typical monsoon weather ever since. I love the storms but cannot stand the humidity.

As I mentioned in the last post I didn’t know fully how good of a reader Madeline had become. If I had sat her down to read to me I would have given her a easy reader.

At the beginning of summer I had enrolled Paul in the Mommy&Me class. This week he dove off the diving board and swam to the side of the 13 feet deep pool! How did I not know that he was that mature.

While most parents are out there over exaggerating what their children are capable of here I sit downplaying it. I am always amazed by them.

She brought a couple of Little Critter books over for me to read the other day. She said she wanted to try reading them but might need some help. I told her we could read it together. She started reading and before I knew it she had read several pages before she asked me to tell her a word. I was speechless. I couldn’t believe she was that good of a reader. She is amazing!

She continues to push herself and isn’t afraid to try anything. These are wonderful traits for her to have. I couldn’t have been more proud of her.

Swim lessons are going very well. The kids are all learning so much and gaining new skills. (This is very helpful since swim is one of the major things we do.)

What little down time I have been enjoying I have been working on some sewing projects. I actually have chunks of time to do things rather than during the school year when I just have snippets of time before I have to dash off to do something else.

Also, comments on the blog have been down and while I write the blog for myself it is still nice to hear from the people who are reading daily. I know that there is a chunk of people reading daily, but they don’t comment. It has been making me feel more self-conscious about having a public blog. Maybe I am just feeling like because there have been so many very raw posts on the blog lately, not sure. (Most likely the case.) Either way, I will continue to blog to preserve the memories of my family.

Kimberly is getting so much more into reading and really enjoying the Fun Day Fairiesbook. She loves the fantasy world that they create.

Annie is really enjoying Junie B. Jones books. She loves how spunky Junie is. The stories captivate her and make her laugh.

Madeline is becoming a very good reader as well. She can pick up any Bob book and read it with ease. She cannot wait until the day she can read a chapter book. She already tries often.

Life continues to go on as it always will. Today is three months since my life was changed forever. I am still trying to find peace. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss my Father, but I know that I must move forward. I know that he would expect me to.

We have started shopping for school supplies and gearing up for the new school year. Madeline is most excited to begin. She counts down the day each day.

I am going to continue to soak up the days, write when I can and focus on all the little things that make my life worth living. I am blessed beyond measure and busy beyond belief.

There is Annie, often off on her own but playing right by everyone. She wants to be the animal and goes in and out of the imaginary play that is going on. She wants the kids to respond to her from time to to but for the most part she is in her own world.

Then there is Kimberly. Her mouth is ALWAYS going, telling everyone what they should be doing. She is the director of the experience. She takes their interests and tells them what part they can play. The only time this goes awry is when Madeline tries to change the directors orders.

Madeline is Kimberly’s arch nemesis. She would love to be in control of the situation but to keep things harmonious there can only be one director. She is always there taking Kimberly’s orders, and interjecting her ideas when possible. She is in constant training for the day when Kimberly is not up to her duties.

Paul just follows along. He does what the girls want him to do. He will either come to hate controlling people or come to enjoy it. Currently he would much rather play with Kimberly or Mimi because they give him clear direction. With Annie he feels like he is not as involved.

It is interesting to watch this, to ponder who they may become or what all of this means. They are amazing kids.

The next words he spoke shocked me. He said, “I agree, she is absolutely perfect.” He did say that there was risk involved, but there is risk involved in driving to the hospital or stepping out of bed in the morning. The biggest risk in living is . . . living. Seriously you can’t control everything, life just happens.

He said that the next course of action was nothing. No follow ups, no more tests, no more anything. Nothing. I couldn’t be more pleased.

He asked how I felt psychologically about this. Apparently a lot of parents don’t take the news so well. He said they get angry when their child no longer needs a specialist on a regular basis. I couldn’t be further than those emotions. I am elated to think of Mimi as normal. To think that she could live a full, happy life without intervention or seizures hampering it. This is amazing news.

He did say that of course, there is still the damage, and there is also still the possibility that more could happen. He made sure to tell me that he didn’t feel she was cured. (I am sure a liability thing at play there.) He said she still had this but he felt that at this time, given my feelings and Madeline’s health that we did not need to do any intervention. We are supposed to call him if we ever need him again. I pray we never need to make that call.

Once there Bill set up our camp area and we started playing. Grammy brought a bag of toys and taught the kids how to play horseshoes. They all had fun. They spent a lot of time in the umbrella/windbreaker until the sun started shining.

Bill had wanted to body board the first day but he forgot the boards, but he remembered them today. He went out and tried his hand at it. He isn’t as young as he thinks he is . . . that is all I am going to say. Poor thing is pretty bumped up. Of course that didn’t keep him from going back again and again.

While Bill was out in the ocean he found a dead fish. It was huge but I knew the kids would want to see it. Bill pushed it out of the ocean with the boogie board. The seagulls were sure glad he fished it out of the ocean for them to eat.

Madeline wanted to try the boogie board but she soon got tired of it. She didn’t like how unstable it was. I thought it best for her to get out of the ocean anyhow.

We watched Bill for a while and then went up to the shade/wind shield of our umbrella. Kimberly opened up a cake shop inside and made each of us some special cakes.

We went back to the house and got all cleaned up, took a nap and got dressed for pictures. We were meeting our friend, the amazingly talented, Cindy Minear and have our photos taken at Huntington Beach. They came out gorgeous. You can see a sneak peak here. If you are ever in Orange County I would highly recommend her for photographs.

After pictures we headed home and got some much needed rest. Mom and I played cards for a while and Bill joined in on the last couple hands before we called it a night. It was a good, but cold day. Hoping tomorrow will be warmer.

With all our gear in hand we headed out. The beach was so nice and quiet when we arrived. I am sure most people were still sleeping in on a Sunday morning, but since Paul had woken us up at 6:45 we were ready to have fun. We set up our spot, got lotion on, set up the umbrella, and the kids started running around playing.

It wasn’t long until we took all the kids in the ocean to have fun.

Annie and Madeline cannot get enough of the ocean, no matter how many times they get bombarded with waves, they still want more. Paul still is very afraid of it and doesn’t want anything to do with it. Kimberly likes it but only getting wet up to her thighs, otherwise she enjoys the sand and frolicking along the shoreline.

Madeline asked me to make her into a mermaid, so I did. She remembered it from the July Vacation to San Diego, three years ago. Grammy helped pack the dirt and shape the fin. After Mimi Kimberly wanted to be done too!

Annie and Bill dug a little pool and Paul made sandcastles and destroyed them. Everyone was having fun. Then we started digging for mole crabs. Grammy and I were helping the kids dig and catch them before they burrowed back into the sand. I cannot post the pics of us digging for them because Bill was the photographer and he only took a couple of shots and they are of my Mother and I in bad positions. The kids had a great time doing this and we found a couple that were quite large. The kids had a fun time playing with them the rest of the day.

After the beach we went back to the house for lunch and to get showers. The Navy base was allowing people to go on the boat so we walked down to check it out. Unfortunately, by the time we got there they were no longer allowing people to go in. When walking back to the beach house we passed some trees and the kids couldn’t help but climb them.

Bill and I had planned one surprise for the Girls on this trip. Today was the day we decided to do it. We loaded everyone up in the van and headed up to Beverly Hills to go to the American Girl Store. They were so excited when we got there. Unfortunately Kimberly and Annie did not pack their dolls, but we had Bitty baby and Baby Paul along for the adventure.

Each girl got to pick out a special outfit from the store. It took them forever to walk around and around choosing the perfect outfit for their dolls. Once they finally made their selections we paid and they each got their own bag to carry home.

It was a fun day and we all had a great time.

The kids got themselves dressed, we got showered, and we headed out of town, stopping to pick up Grammy on the way.

Throughout the drive Annie, Kimberly and Madeline kept asking how many more hours it was going to take to get to the beach house. It took a lot longer than expected because of traffic and the large amount of bathroom breaks we had to take. But after 7 hours of traveling we arrived at the beach house and after unpacking and relaxing we headed off to an afternoon stroll at the beach.

We also went down the pier and scoped out Main Street.

This was Paul’s first time seeing a beach or the ocean up close. We had been to Washington with him last year but we didn’t go to a beach and we only took a boat on the water. He was pretty much afraid of the water, which is kind of nice since I would rather that than him having no fear of it. He loved running up and down the beach and stayed clear of the water.

When we were sitting watching the sunset he decided to try a bite of sand. I kinda thought we wouldn’t have that problem with him given his age and the first time he has seen sand but I guess every kid has to try it. I am just glad he wasn’t like Madeline who loved to eat sand so much it was like sitting her down at an all you can eat buffet.

Annie loved the beach as much as always. When we were watching the sunset she found a long piece of seaweed that she called her seaweed dog. She was dragging it all over the beach.

Madeline still loves to spend time with Bitty Baby. She packed up all Bitty’s stuff for the trip. When we were getting ready to go down to the beach she got Bitty dressed in her bathing suit and in the backpack carrier. She took Bitty out once we were down there and let her put her feet in the sand.

No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow. ~Euripides

The thing is I never should have been able to get pregnant with Madeline—but I did.

I never feel bad about the drugs I had to take that allowed me to stay pregnant with her because there was no other option. Without those drugs I would never have been able to carry her and the bottom line is she never would have made it to birth.

She never should have gotten RSV in the middle of summer—but she did.
She never should have had that big of a seizure—but she did.
She shouldn’t have brain damage—but she does.

If we are completely honest with ourselves we know she has never been the same since that first seizure. Part of her has been gone from us so long. It hurts to think about it. How life changed forever in a second.

Will the weakness in her left side ever improve? We don’t know. We do plan to follow up with her neurologist at the end of the month. We also will be following up with her primary care doctor to discuss her headaches.

We are constantly reminded of how fragile life is through Madeline. Make the most of everyday. Her life is a precious gift and all we can do is soak it up every chance we get. None of us are guaranteed that life will go on as it is today.

*This post is just for my records. You wouldn’t believe how many times I use the search function on this blog to find out when things happened to my kids or how much they weighted at a certain age.

The good news is that this damage happened once, meaning it isn’t some sort of deterioration. It won’t get worse. Trust me when I say this was the best case scenario.

The MRI also showed that she has sinusitis. Which would explain why she has frequent headaches. They don’t know if it is acute or chronic. We are supposed to follow up with the primary care doctor.

Just glad to know that it isn’t something more.

We waited for transportation to the MRI. Mimi got a special ride in the big wheelchair. She had a nice ride and walked into the MRI room with the anesthesiologist. I went out to the waiting room to wait for her.

She was very groggy when waking up from the MRI. They gave her a little versed during the MRI to ensure that she stayed still during it. We were transported back to her room and waited until she woke up. Once she was awake the nurse made sure she ate something and then discharged us.

We were so happy to be released from the hospital. Grammy came to pick us up and take us home.

It was a long visit. We didn’t exactly get the answers we thought we might. At this point the doctor suggested we remove Mimi from gymnastics and trampolining. We don’t intend to do this. We cannot live her life in fear that she would have a seizure.

One of the things that I have learned from my Father’s death is that when it is your time to go you don’t really have a choice. If the Lord chose to take Madeline from me He would find a way, it wouldn’t have to be when she was doing a flip on a balance beam, it could be anything. I feel a lot of peace over this decision. I know we can’t keep her in a bubble and I wouldn’t want to anyhow. I want her to live everyday and enjoy life.

The MRI results will be given to us next week. The Doctor talked about some pretty scary outcomes for the MRI. I will not allow those things to scare me until I know what I am dealing with. Whatever it is we will deal with it and do the best we can. Life is far too short to worry about what may be.

The doctors came in and we continued to discuss the options in Madeline’s care. We decided that we would give this whole thing 24 more hours. At that time we will discuss our options for continued care.

Madeline is scheduled for an MRI at 8 am tomorrow. She will be sedated for it. After recovery we can work on getting her discharge done. Thankfully we should have the same nurse we have today and I feel confident she will get us out of here at a reasonable hour.

Unfortunately Mimi has been having the blues here today. She is totally done being here and wants to be home now. She has cried a lot and been very mopey. I am sad she is so upset but glad she finally realizes the hospital is not a vacation spot. (Before today she felt like coming here was a good thing.)

She has become a tyrant. She has been ordering me around half the day. I sent her to timeout here in the hospital and she was shocked I could/would do that. I can feel a rough transition to home coming on.

Family and friends have been busy all morning and she hasn’t had any visitors. I am sure that adds to her dissatisfaction with her current setup. Thankfully they are all on their way down now.

We will have visitors, dinner and bed. Maybe an episode will happen, maybe not. Either way we will leave here tomorrow knowing we did the best we could. I have been praying for answers. At this point I feel confident that if we find nothing out then we are supposed to have peace over Mimi’s seizures.