I have not worked for 8 1/2 years because I believe that it was what was best for me and my children. Now faced with the facts of all of them going off to school I was concerned what I would do from 8:30-2:30 each day. I know many women continue to stay home when their kids all enter school but I wasn’t sure that would work for me, just as I wasn’t sure being a stay at home Mom would ever work for me.

As an isolated question I would love nothing more than to have a career again. I loved working and making a difference in the lives of children. If it was just my feelings I needed to take into account I would work in a heartbeat, heck I would never have stopped if this was all about me but, the facts are that it isn’t.

Can I balance work and still be on top of all the kids appointments and development? How will I do everything I do for the 6 hours a day after the workday? Is it the right choice for my kids to have me more distracted when they are home from school?

Last week I finally made a decision. I have decided that I could go back to work, if it is at the school where my kids go. I would be working while they were at school and I know I can adjust to grocery shopping in the evenings or making appointments on days off. I would still have summers off with the kids and they would have the advantage of having a Mother who is fulfilled.

I have spoken with the principal of the kids school and I have let him know that I would definitely be open to a full time position. It sounds like lots of changes are coming to the school so I am not holding my breath for a position. If I don’t get one, which is highly likely, I will continue volunteering and subbing.

It feels so good to have a game plan. I am excited to see what fate has in store for me.

Family budget: We have certainly paired down our spending a lot. We are living debt free and that is wonderful. Should we move to completely cash based? I don’t think we can especially with online shopping becoming even more prevalent. We can and will continue to be mindful of our spending habits.

Weight: Umm yeah, I worked on this on and off throughout the year but at the end of the year I weigh pretty much the same as I did last year. As I have said before I either need to focus hard on this one or accept that I am always going to be the size I am now.

Paint the House: We didn’t get to the one either, though we did get the staircase and loft painted, which is a huge part of our home. This year we MUST paint our bedroom and bathroom and the living room/kitchen. These areas really need the attention.

Scrapbooks: I wanted to get caught up on my scrapbooks but that wasn’t able to happen. In the last days of 2011 I did finish up my 2009 digital scrapbook and sent it off for printing. It should come in the mail this week and if I am satisfied with the results I will do 2010 and 2011 this year.

Sew for pleasure: I didn’t get much time in this area as well. I spent the majority of my sewing time this year creating snack bags and wraps. I have so many projects that I want to work on and I hope to have more time this year.

Write/Read more: Again this was a no go. (Gosh my resolutions from last year are getting kind of depressing.) I didn’t have time to work on my writing projects nor did I get a chance to read as often as I would have liked. I received a nook for Christmas and have already read 2 books on it this month. Hopefully this will help me to reach my goal of 2 books per month. As far as writing is concerned I think that I won’t have time to work on it until the fall when all 4 kids are in school full time.

Library for Sebeta: Finally a goal that was reached though not by myself alone. A library for Sebeta is such wonderful thing. It makes my heart happy.

Grocery shop once per week: I did this and it was very freeing. I cannot even imagine how I used to do it. If we don’t have it on hand we don’t eat it. We use a wipe off board on the fridge to list things that we need and when I create the list I start with those items. I go to Costco and the grocery store all in one day and I am much happier for doing it.

Looking to 2012 I am still going to work on those above goals because I had so many failures. I am also planning to work on a couple more things.

First and foremost I have to learn how to say “no”. Far too often I say I can help out and while each small thing is so tiny they all add up to me not being able to fulfill my own dreams. This is going to be a really hard thing for me. I always want to help others when I can. I stretch myself to thin and in the end it is my family and myself who makes the sacrifices. I can’t do that to them or to myself anymore.

I am not sure how to create these limits. I don’t want to say no to everything so this is going to be a really hard balance, one I expect that I will fail at sometimes. Hopefully in the end I will learn from that and know what to avoid the next time.

This year I want to listen more. This may sound crazy but for anyone who knows me they know I talk A LOT! I need to stop talking and questioning and listen. I have recently seen this behavior in my children and it has made me realize that I do it far too often (likely where they learned it).

Take a vacation with Bill and a family trip. This year we had some home improvements to do and so vacation funds were less. We took our week in Seal Beach and several trips to Sea World throughout the year but we didn’t do a couple trip. This is something that I would like for us to do this year.

Teach the kids to be more proficient in the kitchen. They already have a lot of skills in the kitchen but I want them to be able to move from helping me to actually preparing something on their own. I would like for each one to master at least one recipe. (With the except of Paul, he still needs to work on just helping out more.)

Make a conscious decision about working or not working. Since Paul will be enrolling in kindergarten in the fall I need to decide what I am going to do with myself. Subbing, full time work, no work, etsy shop, lay around eating bon bons, the options are limitless. I just have to figure out which one is best for myself and my family.

Cheers to 2012. Hopefully I can meet more of my resolutions at my 2013 review.

Christmas cards are one of those special holiday things to me. I love to send them around the globe and know that they will bring a smile to someones face. I enjoy writing them out and addressing them to each person on my list. While I write their name I think of them and a fun thing we did recently or how a year slipped by without seeing them.

Unfortunately Christmas cards seem to be something people are saving money on and doing without. Our world is so busy and hurried that it saddens me that even at Christmastime they don’t take the time or spend the extra buck.

I don’t say these things to make anyone feel bad. Everyone makes choices in their own lives and I have no business telling them what they should or shouldn’t do. It just makes me sad.

So when you open up your Christmas card from us know that it is packed with love. That you were on our mind this Christmas and that we wish you all the best. We wouldn’t ever skip a year without telling you how much we love you!

Inevitably there is an argument over who is who and pouts about the fact that “you get to be her every time!”

This game drives me INSANE! It makes me want to ban tv from them until they mature enough to not be bothered if another person wants to be the same person they are. It isn’t as though they are acting out the story after, where having two people be the character would cause problems, they are just saying it and watching.

UGH!

My husband loves me beyond words. He loves me so much it rivals how much I love him, which obviously is more than he loves me. He tries his hardest to make my birthday extra special and if even one moment of it is not glorious he beats himself up over it.

Bill tends to go overboard, like the year he gave me tickets to a Broadway show and told me we were going to NYC for several days. So my friends were wondering what he was going to do. One of my friends even guessed that he would take me to Paris. I told her I seriously doubted that one but I would let her know. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I love the fact that he spoils me; who wouldn’t?

On Friday he took the day off to spend time with me. He had a very suspicious look on his face but continually suggested that nothing was going on. When my Mother called me during breakfast to ask what I was doing today I knew they were up to something. He told me to get off the phone and revealed his secret. He was planning to take me up to Prescott for the evening and we would go to a nice dinner and then to the Amy Grant concert.

We had a very nice drive up and a lovely dinner. The concert was amazing and while I was sitting in the 6th row center watching my most favorite singer/songwriter perform in my husbands arms I thought about my friends guess of Paris and I laughed to myself. This simple night made my heart far more happy than Paris ever could. (Though I have never been to Paris.) I sat there and realized how right everyone is. I have an amazing life.

When we arrived back home I saw that my Mother, who had been home watching the kids, made homemade pumpkin spice donuts. I resisted the urge to eat one then and there, but had one first thing the next morning. They were AMAZING. So delicious. I am so blessed to have a mother that will do these special little things for me. It makes my heart so happy to know how much she loves me.

On Sunday I woke up to a quiet house. Remember that husband of mine who would do anything for me. He drove an hour to the closest Krispie Kreme donut store to try to get me pumpkin spice donuts for my birthday breakfast. Unfortunately he didn’t know they don’t make them until October or November.

The kids were excited to give me their presents. Per normal Bill went overboard. I loved everything they gave me especially the 75th anniversary marigold soup tureen! It is so gorgeous.

That night they sang Happy Birthday to me and I gazed around the table at each one of their faces shinning back at me and confirmed the fact I am blessed beyond measure. Now I know why everyone stares in wonder at my beautiful life. Sure the kids still need work and the house is rarely clean but underneath it all blessings abound.

Honestly, not a whole lot has been going on. Kids are going to school. Paul is going to preschool. The kids argue and fight a lot, they tend to not want to clean their rooms, and they make messes everywhere they go. Just like kids all around the globe do and while I say not a lot has been going on perhaps the better term is lots and lots are going on, just nothing of specific interest.

They proceeded to poke and prod me telling me where all the squishy, soft and fat parts of me were. At first I was upset because I am not a big fan of all the squishiness that is attached to my body. But then I began to recall the “squishy” people I love.

I remembered dancing with my Father at my wedding and how I can still remember how squishy he was around the middle every time I hugged him. I remembered my Great Grandmother and her skin that seemed to be falling off her arms that was squishy and soft as feathers. All of a sudden squishy didn’t feel so bad.

I think they will always remember how soft I am. By the way they were fighting over my squishy softness I know they each have a reason for loving it. It really made me think differently about my suqishiness. Maybe it’s not much but I know they will remember it and maybe they won’t remember all the times I yelled at them or made them clean their rooms . . . a girl can dream, right?

The emotional side of this is plain as day. We all lose our tempers, we all get crabby over something we should let roll off our backs, but there is another side to this. The way we present ourselves in the littlest things we do. There recently was a thing on facebook about writing down how many weeks pregnant you were and what you were craving. Some people thought of it only as a game and posted their response without even thinking. I logged in saw this and a emotional reaction occured in me. The same emotional reaction that occurred every single time someone I knew was blissfully pregnant. I was happy for them, but every bad feeling I had ever had over my own fertility flooded back to me.

I wrote in my status that I found the joke cruel and insentive and walked away from my computer. A couple of minutes later I wondered if I really should have written that. Was I just being oversensitive because of my personal history? The answer was yes, yes I was sensitive to this issue. I highly doubt I will ever “get over” the fact that I had 5 miscarriages and that the sheer fact that Annie and Madeline are here is nothing short of a miracle. Should I have written it? The answer is still yes. I feel comfortable with the words I wrote down. As far as that action it speaks very loudly to something that I firmly believe.

It made me think of how every action I say/do speaks to others. I don’t know the roads they have traveled. I don’t know the scars they have on their heart. I can bet that I have done this sort of thing to someone else somewhere along the way.

I get on my kids all the time about who they play with, who they associate with. How those things will dictate who they become. I try very very hard in my life to be ever cognizant of who I surround myself with.

I watch my kids do some things and I have to pause and think “do I really sound like that?” Generally the answer is yes, I really do. Certainly something I need to work harder on. I know how much my every action speaks volumes to my children.

When I take them on errands alone they grin ear to ear to have the personal time.

When I am on the computer too much when they are home it makes them feel like I don’t take time for them.

When I make them their favorite dessert they feel special.

When I sew too much it makes my children clammor around my sewing table trying to eek some time out with me.

When I don’t take the time to have real conversations daily I can tell that they don’t think I am interested in them.

When I take time to spend time with their father they know love.

When I take time to read to them or in front of them they see that reading is important to me.

The list could go on and on. Every action speaks to them, for better or for worse. They are forming how they see me in their mind.

Next Tuesday Paul has his open house at preschool so we can both go check out the room together. On Wednesday he has first day of preschool. I would be lying if I didn’t say I was a bit worried about how I will do when on my own. He will go to preschool three mornings a week so the transition will be gradual to next year being gone six hours a day.

These are days I have longed for. I have so many hopes and dreams for him and the only way he can achieve them is to be independent. I welcome the change, I am just not sure my heart is ready. However, I know next Tuesday when I drop him off a few tears may roll down my cheek as I drive away but my heart will be full. I think it is more the anticipation that gets me emotional.

Monday would have been my Father’s 60th birthday. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him. When I see a number like 60 it makes me cringe and think of my own mortality. I know I have more than 23 more years in my life . . . I have to.

On his birthday my Mother put sauce together and I cooked it the entire day. The house was filled with the most delicious smells that soothed my soul. The sauce was delicious and my heart was full. How I wish he had been there to share it with me.

Today is the day that would have been Elizabeth’s 9th birthday. Since I have 4 other angel babies from various other days this is the day I reserve to think of them and wonder what could have been. I can’t say I miss them, because I didn’t really know them, but my heart aches that they weren’t given a chance at life because of my body.

It is a hard week.

I am overwhelmed. Like so overwhelmed that I feel like I should take breaks every couple of hours just to cry. I work for hours and get a couple of orders done only to see just as many new ones roll in. Last time in my life I felt this powerless was when I was going through infertility. I don’t like feeling like this but at this point I have to just muster up all my strength and push through.

I am not sure what compelled me to do this. The fact that I don’t need to work or earn one cent is clear and yet I personally feel like I need to be productive. Why can’t I leave well enough alone? What is it in me that makes me unable to just sit back?

I feel so upset at myself for not thinking I would sell all 150 vouchers, each voucher worth at least 4 bags/wraps. Simple calculations tell you that is 600 bags/wraps. Not counting the orders that are 6-8 bags. Plus add in all the regular orders I receive regularly and you have something that was a hobby which now is a serious job!

I am up to my ears in bags, liners, wraps and packing supplies. Part of me wants to work until I pass out so that I can get them done and gone. But the realistic part of me knows that I need to only work on these 5 hours per day at the most. I cannot sacrifice family time to the extent that working until I pass out would require.

For those who missed the sale, I am sorry. I wish everyone could have gotten in on it, for that matter I wish bags/wraps made themselves. I will have a coupon code up in August for back to school purchases. I know everyone will need to stock up then. Until then I will be drowning in orders.

I never hit my stride in all this exercise business. I don’t love it as part of my life. I don’t feel the euphoric effects of exercise and I certainly don’t feel excited to do it.

I still go to my trainer, when I feel like it. I still watch what I am eating to make sure I don’t over indulge. But, that is as far as I go.

2.5 months of growth and this is where I am. Pretty much the same weight, but more fit and stronger. Is this where I wish I were? Nope, my dream was to be thinner, but this isn’t a place I mind being.

My heart is beginning to change on this issue. (Actually, it is reverting back to where I was before.) I have never really felt too fat. The exercise weighs me down, it is like a anchor in my life that I feel very trapped by. In one hand, I feel like I need to exercise so that I can make my heart more healthy and maybe reduce my risk of dying prematurely. On the other hand, I really want enjoy the days that I am given without spending so much time and energy trying to buy 6 more months of life.

NOTHING in life is a guarantee. I could spend all the time and energy on making sure I workout constantly and still fall prey to an untimely death.

This is not to say that I feel I should throw caution to the wind and eat everything in sight and not exercise. I must keep both of those things in my life.

I believe that eating without overindulging is something I must do. It is something that I have to deal with and (most likely) fight for the rest of my life. I like to eat. Food is a very social thing for me. I love to make foods. I love to try new things. I love to plan vacations around foods I would like to eat. Food is a part of my life. A part of my life that I miss terribly when I am without it.

Does that mean I am addicted to food? I don’t believe so. I believe my problem comes more from overindulging when I do allow myself a treat.

I really want to not have to think about diet, exercise, the number on the scale. I want to just be happy about who I am and how I look. Thankfully I am there. I am very pleased with how I feel, look and while the number on the scale is still the same I feel like my attitude towards that number is better.

I enjoy walking in the evenings with friends while our children play. This feels very natural to me and doesn’t make me abhor exercise. So this will stay in my new plan.

I enjoy keeping track of my calories for the day to keep myself in check and know I am not overindulging so I want to keep Weight Watchers in my life. Hopefully this guide will one day help me break my overindulged side.

I am not sure where this leaves training. Maybe once school starts again I will feel more motivated to get up early and go, but maybe I won’t. I still have paid sessions that I haven’t used so I know I will go back in some capacity.

So that is where I am at. The rambling nature of this post should be a clue that I am still trying to figure this all out. I am still working on me.

Sometimes crafting has an ugly side, a gory bloody ugly side. That side showed it’s ugly head on Tuesday afternoon.

Mimi and I were settling in to make some owl coasters for Bill. We had already found the fabrics we wanted to include in our project. Mimi was sitting at the machine ready to sew and I only had one thing to do before we started. I needed to clean the basting spray off of my super sharp scissors.

For a split second I contemplated using a sponge to clean the blades but instead I went with a paper towel. The super sharp blades sliced easily through the paper towel and the tip of my index finger.

The cut was quite deep and because of the aspirin therapy for my heart it bled like not tomorrow! I wasn’t able to get the wound to close and slow the bleeding at all so I headed off to the urgent care.

Once at the urgent care they were able to get a tourniquet type of thing on my finger that slowed the bleeding.

Thankfully they were able to glue my finger together and use a splint to keep it from popping open. The doctor didn’t skate around the fact that if this were to open up again I would likely have to come back in to get the bleeding stopped. So I am not getting it wet and keeping it in the splint until it has had a chance to really begin healing.

Too often I think people try to be different. We are often told to buck the system and make our own paths. However, I feel that this can sometimes be a disservice.

Of course, we should find a new path when the old one no longer works, and we should definitely get away from situations that are detrimental to ourselves, but in general towing the line with a good attitude is far better alternative.

I watch kids and adults push the envelope so that they can be different or stand out. We are surrounded by a media that thinks they constantly need to make things bigger, better, more racy. The boundaries have been pushed so far that now we come upon days where one must be outrageous to be noticed. Very sad situation in my opinion.

There are always things to stand up for and stand up against. Tyranny exists all around us, but we have taken it too far.

I want my children to be good. I want them to understand the difference between trying to make a stand and following along with what is already right.

How sad is it that being respectful and honest is to be different?

I missed Monday’s training with my trainer but made it to both of my jog/walking meet ups. I have rallied a pretty good size group of Moms who want to get a bit of workout in.

Therapy is going well. My arm has a lot more mobility, but it is just not strong. I have to continue to take things easy on my arm until I can bear more weight. I would hate to have an injury result from usage again.

Weight watchers is going pretty well. I still need to work harder to get everything under control.

This week I went shopping for some new shorts. I bought my normal size. I went home and tried them on to make sure they fit. I was surprised to find out that they were too large. I went back and got a size smaller and they fit nicely! Woohoo. One pant size down, plenty more to go!

73 degrees for the high this week!?!?!?!? What is going on here? Where is the global warming the democrats promise me is coming? Where is my summer?

Kids get out of school next week and instead of being a nice hot summer day it will be in the 90′s. What gives?

Normally we would already be enjoying our swimming season but instead our pool is still far too chilly. Given the predicted weather for this month we may not even get to put on our bathing suits until June.

I can’t even believe it is mid May. It feels like March or April out there.

Where is the heat? I sure hope it comes soon so we can enjoy a blissfully blazing hot summer in Phoenix!

This week I made it to all three of my trainings. I even ran/walked 2 times this week. I feel much stronger and my endurance is much better.

Therapy continues on my shoulder. I have two more sessions next week and then I am hoping to be discharged from therapy.

This week I decided to join weight watchers again. I had good success with this before and hopefully food input will unlock the flood gate to weight loss.

I only made it to the Wednesday training with my trainer. Tuesday and Thursday I went to the middle school track and ran/walked a mile. I ran 1/4 of the track, walked 1/4 of the track and repeated until I had gone for a mile.

Between therapy on my shoulder, which is only marginally better, and my regular life activities I am stretched pretty thin.

I know I should be giving more to getting to my workouts but I don’t have it in me. I HATE going to them. If I were seeing results I wouldn’t hate them as much because at least the pain and suffering would be getting me somewhere, but after a month of stagnation I am beat.

I feel defeated. I HATE to feel defeated. It reminds me of all the years I spent in infertility and no matter how hard I worked on it I couldn’t get pregnant. I feel like that with my weight. No matter how hard I work I can’t change my weight.

I will continue on because I figure at some point something has got to give.

I had a 0 pound loss this week, which in my opinion is pretty good considering I had birthday dinners, cake and pie almost every day this week. I am hoping to refocus once the birthday/Easter bonanza is over.

My shoulder had been hurting me for several weeks. I have made a resolution with myself that I will not under report pain. I had done this for years and when I saw how this became a fatal problem for my Father, I wanted to change that part of me. I went in to the doctor this week and he said that hopefully I have just strained my rotator cuff. He sentenced suggested I see a physical therapist 3 times a week for the next 3 weeks. If I still had pain at that point we would do an MRI to see what else might be going on. Hoping and praying all is better in 3 weeks.

I was able to speak to my trainer and she felt there was no problem in working me out without straining that further. Today we did tons of cardio and core training. It was a serious workout without engaging the shoulders.

I begin therapy on Tuesday and hopefully the shoulder will heal quickly.

This is fine progress. It doesn’t thrill me, nor does it devastate me. I certainly wish it were more.

People say that they can see a difference in my body shape. I am not so sure. My clothes seem to fit about the same.

The next two weeks are going to be rough. Yesterday was Mimi’s party and I had nachos, cake and ice cream. Today is my brother’s birthday and I am going to have dinner there tonight. Wednesday is Madeline’s real birthday and I am sure I will have a slice of her cake. Friday night I have another birthday dinner and party to go to.

Aside from all those things my heart is heavy and I am grieving my Father’s passing. This Thursday is one year since his heart attack and the following Wednesday is the first anniversary of his passing. These emotions slow you down and stress you out. Both of which are not good for weight loss.

We are wandering around Sea World and Paul is being a typical 3 year old. I have finally had enough of his antics and am sending Bill to the van to get the stroller so he can be contained for a while. He continues to act us so I sit him down on a curb near the dolphins so that his sisters are amused and he can’t see the dolphins.

He is sitting there with his best “I am a poor little orphan” face on. I am not facing him because if I do he will talk to me or use his expressive eyebrows to speak to me. I can see him out of the corner of my eye and have a eye on him and the girls.

A man walks by and kneels down to Paul to ask if he is lost. He wants to know if he can’t find his mother. Paul starts chatting with the man and I interject. I say “nope, he’s not lost he is just in time out.” Paul agrees that I am his mother and the man looks me over and slowly walks away saying, “oh”.

You want to know the kicker in this whole entire interaction. The man has a wife who is of some sort of Asian decent. The child he was pushing in his stroller was clearly her son, perhaps his but I am not sure. Seriously!

The Girls asked why the man was talking to Paul and I told them that he thought he was lost. They said, “I wonder why he would have thought that.” Ahh my sweet innocent babies. I am saddened by this man and his attempt to break that innocence in my kids. Thankfully this time it didn’t work.

I would love to say that this was the first time that this has happened but it wasn’t. This happens a lot.