Let me put the emphasis where I mean it: school can be boring. So can work. So can life.

I’m not going to say that the purpose of school is to be tedious. But learning and mastery aren’t supposed to be effortless. You have to learn things that maybe you don’t want to because they’re a) foundational and b) important. For a child, it’d be great to stick only to what interests you and skip the math drills. And it’s tempting to think that a child-centered education might result in more engagement and thus more learning.

But that’s not how life works. You can’t only work on the fun projects at your office; someone needs to wipe out the toilets; and there’s always paperwork to be filed. There’s going to be a boss and he’s going to tell you to do things. If you cut and run because man that guy’s always droning on about the proper sequence to assemble the widget, then you’re not going to be employed for long.

Knowing how to handle being bored and follow directions is a life skill. Finding the value in relationships with people unlike yourself (or maybe even beneath your level of intelligence) will serve you for the rest of your life. School is a great place to acquire and practice those skills. If you indulge your child’s self-absorption, you’re not doing him any favors and disappointment is going to be a theme throughout his life.

Once we were at the top of the mountain this was the view we enjoyed.

There has never been a more poignant moment in my life that illustrated need vs. want. That woman wasn’t trekking up the mountainside to see this view, she was doing it because she had to, her livelihood depended on it! I don’t beleive I have seen things the same since that moment 3 years ago.

So this holiday, as with every year, as I am accumulating the things my loved ones think they need, I am comforted in the fact that they have all they truly need.

Last weekend, Annie and Kimberly attended a birthday party at Castles ‘n’ Coasters and they went together on the log ride. I stood on some stairs so I could get a good view and cheer them on. Unfortunately, the first time I saw them they were both wailing and freaking out—even screaming “Get us off this!” After going through the two drops, they were still crying and warned the other Browns about their experience as soon as they got home.

Tonight, we were watching Once Upon a Christmas—a super cheesy Christmas movie—and we got to the scene where the father got knocked unconscious in a burning cabin. Everyone except Madeline started rocking and crying with worry. We reassured them that it was a Christmas movie and would have a happy ending. Once they calmed down, we explained to them about drama and tension. Madeline helpfully chimed in that it even happened on Dora the Explorer.

I think we’ve done a capable job of raising independent, curious children. Usually, I think their innocence and naivety works towards that goal because they want to understand the wonder of our world. Sandi was fairly sheltered as a child and I found this aspect of her refreshing when we were dating. (I was, to put it mildly and without elaboration, very aware of the world and its darker areas from a very early age.)

But sometimes I worry that we’re doing them a disservice. Kids can be cruel, innocence can lead to gullibility, and entertainment isn’t always pleasant. I don’t want them to become real-life versions of Rod and Todd Flanders—subject to the torments of people like Bart Simpson and incapable of being exposed to bad things.

Personally, I hope it’s just their ages and that they’ll loosen up over time. If anyone reading this has faced a similar situation, we’d love to hear your experiences.

It was a brisk day up there so we all wore long pants and brought sweatshirts.

We picked perfect pumpkins.

Pretended to drive tractors.

Pet animals in the petting zoo.

Took a hay ride and ate kettle corn.

Found our way through the corn maze.

Took pictures next to the cut outs.

Measured ourselves.

Paul was the only still young enough to ride the mini tractors.

Annie and Kimberly were even brave enough to dance on stage!

We waited patiently for a train ride.

And had some delicious apples!

Perfect day. Perfect weather. Perfect family.

This van and I have been together since February 2005. I was pregnant with Madeline when we made the decision to buy a van. There is still a yellow mark down the driver side of the van where I scraped it on a pillar in the CVS drive-thru while having a painful pre-term labor contraction. (Those were typical back then, but that is a different story.) The fact that the mark is still there makes Vanny Van and I similar, this family has shaped and changed how we look.

So many family road trips have happened in there. Random errands have been run day in and day out. Millions and millions of memories wrapped up in a huge piece of metal. Normally I don’t feel this kind of adoration for my van but today I am taking notice of all we both have been through. I’ve cried millions of tears, smiled billions of smiles, and lived side by side with Vanny Van, otherwise known as my mobile unit. Whoever named women who raise their family as the jobs stay at home mom’s hasn’t seen me. I am rarely ever home, far more time is spent in my van!

Here’s to 100,000 more miles!

When I count up the bad days in my life this day is in the top three. Mimi could have died. She could have had far more brain damage and never woken up. I could have lost her.

I have spent the last 1,825 days never forgetting the fragility of life and enjoying every day with Madeline (and her siblings) as though it could be our last.

Today I stand in awe of every moment that almost wasn’t.

Cheers to one more month of having a three year old in the Brown household!

One of the harder things of having my Father gone from Earth is having my parents apart. They are soul mates, one completes the other. He loved and cherished her all the days of his life.

It hurts to know they are apart. I know that if he were still alive their marriage would still be going strong.

Today as I was driving I turned on my iPhone and hit the random button in my playlist. The first song that came on was “The House that Built Me” by Miranda Lambert. Tears began to roll from my eyes. What I wouldn’t give to step back into the life of my parents in each others arms again, unbroken. The memories of them spinning around the living room dancing and singing to each other are treasures I will always have.

I know that they both love each other, even though they are apart. Their love with forever be with me. Happy Anniversary to my amazing parents.

I still think about my blog a lot even though I don’t make much time for it. I have tons of topics that I want to write on but by the time I get back to my computer I don’t feel like writing. I figure out the topics for blog entries as I drive around town, sit at swim lessons and grocery shop. I just wish I had more time to devote to actually getting those entries on here.

I have never been a fan of blogging in bulk and after many events have passed, but that seems the only thing I can do.

I want to continue to blog and continue to share my thoughts during parenting so that I can remember these moments. I am going to start with a small goal of making 5 posts this week. Not 5 posts in one day, 5 posts on different days about different things that have happened or thoughts that I have had. I used to be able to keep up with 6-7 posts per week. I can certainly muster the energy to write 5 posts this week.

Bill and I celebrated our 18th anniversary early with a nice dinner at Melting Pot and a drive with the top down.

On our actual anniversary we did laundry, went to a family party and hung out with friends at the train park concert. Just another day in paradise around here.

It was sweet to see them all carefully planning what they were going to do. They would color one more picture or make one more homemade card to give me.

This morning while I was sleeping they got everything wrapped and were ready to bombard me once I got up and came downstairs. I loved all the cards and crafts they made at school. They really took their time to make the things extra special.

The family took me to dim sum for lunch. This is such a treat and something that I really enjoy. Normally the family does not enjoy it. So much that the last time we said we might go there for lunch Kimberly asked if she could pack a home lunch to bring. Bill had talked to them about not complaining and really trying hard to make the lunch special for me. They succeeded and it was pleasant and yummy!

Grammy came over for dinner and we enjoyed time with her. It was a nice relaxing dinner and a great time to celebrate how incredibly awesome she is. I love her so much and was glad to have that quiet time with her.

It was a wonderful Mother’s Day. I am very fortunate to be the Mother of such wonderful children who treat me like the Queen.

This week I made it to 3 workouts. I woke up on Wednesday morning to go to my workout but didn’t get out of bed. I made this one up at the mid-morning workout on Thursday with my trainer.

I started physical therapy on my arm this week. Ends up I have 4 things wrong with my shoulder. They hope that with therapy I can get everything back to normal without further intervention. The therapy isn’t all that hard it just consumes a lot of time.

I have had a big pot of sauce bubbling on my stove since yesterday. The aroma wafts around my house and fills my heart and mind with millions of memories. Tonight I will have rigatoni with sauce and I will make a batch of chocolate chip cookies.

This will be the first batch of chocolate chip cookies I have made with his favorite recipe since he has been gone.

I’m Italian and I am not sure if that’s the reason these foods mean so much to me or not, but they do. Both these dishes are things my Father loved and I can clearly remember him walking into the kitchen a million times to taste the sauce. I can remember him stealing a cookie off the counter once they were out of the oven. Often even before they were cool enough to eat.

I wish he were here to enjoy the meal with me. . .

Today I went out and bought a necklace in his memory. Whenever I wear it I will think of him just like I wear my necklace for Elizabeth.

I went to lunch at a park with my Mother and we enjoyed some fried chicken. We walked around the park. It was a very peaceful time.

“People do not “get over ” grief. My personal and professional experience tells me that a total return to ‘normalcy’ after death of a love one is not possible; We are forever changed by the experience of grief.” ~ Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph. D.

This is fine progress. It doesn’t thrill me, nor does it devastate me. I certainly wish it were more.

People say that they can see a difference in my body shape. I am not so sure. My clothes seem to fit about the same.

The next two weeks are going to be rough. Yesterday was Mimi’s party and I had nachos, cake and ice cream. Today is my brother’s birthday and I am going to have dinner there tonight. Wednesday is Madeline’s real birthday and I am sure I will have a slice of her cake. Friday night I have another birthday dinner and party to go to.

Aside from all those things my heart is heavy and I am grieving my Father’s passing. This Thursday is one year since his heart attack and the following Wednesday is the first anniversary of his passing. These emotions slow you down and stress you out. Both of which are not good for weight loss.

Today we have had Dish Network installed. The main reason for doing this was because of not being able to record tv. We tried a DVR and it just didn’t work well.

Another reason we decided to go back to it was the inability to monitor the shows our kids were watching. The kids mainly watched shows from the streaming Netflix which is excellent at having a lot of titles for them to chose from. However, there is NO way to stop them from watching anything that is on there. I know Kimberly, for one, was sneaking and watching Good Luck Charlie when we weren’t downstairs. Good Luck Charlie isn’t all that bad of a show but eventually this ability could get them into real trouble. When they are thumbing through the netflix they can choose anything from thrillers to dramas. Certainly not stuff I want them watching even if it is only for a moment.

I want to make sure that we keep this in check. The kids certainly think that this will be a free for all, but they are in for a surprise. It is going to take some time but I intend to block a whole lot of junk from them. Sorry kids but this is one of those times I am doing something for your own good.

This week I had a weight gain of +1. It was frustrating for me because, as you know my main focus in doing all of this is weight loss. I need to not be considered overweight and having another risk for heart disease.

The workouts were tough. As I said previously, my arms/shoulders are weak. The days we focus on those areas are very hard on me. Although they are hard I feel as though they are working and I am motivated by that.

I didn’t take any measurements this week, (I am thinking I will do that monthly). I did take them at the beginning and I can already tell that some areas are smaller.

The hardest toll on me is sleep. I am sure that in time this will even out, but right now the combination of not eating sugars, waking up at 5:45am 3 days a week and not getting to bed early enough are all wearing me out.

I also know that stress makes a person hold on to weight. There are a lot of stressful situations going on all around me, friends, family, and missing my Dad like crazy. I try to release this stress as best as I can but I know it all weighs on me.

One week down. Plenty more to go. While this week was hard it wasn’t unusually so. I definitely can do this.

I am NOT a morning person. I HATE getting up early, let alone getting up early to exercise.

When I started researching personal trainers and gyms I was really reluctant based on how expensive this can be. They wanted you to pay a gym membership and pay a personal trainer on top of that. It looked like it was going to cost around $300 a month and that is just too steep for our family.

I knew some ladies in the community had used Stacey to help them. I called her and asked about her programs. I was amazed at how reasonable she was and how much she cared about my personal journey.

I have already started it and have trained with her at least five times at this point. The workouts are intense, but they are already working. They haven’t budged the scale one ounce but I am hoping that will come in time. I know that I am losing inches by how my clothes fit. (They are likely the most minute fractions of inches but I will take it!)

I am very happy with my decision. While I don’t like the fact that I have to pay someone to keep me accountable, the fact is that it does. I know if I don’t get up Stacey will see me at the school for drop off and make me feel bad for not going. I know that while doing the exercises I would have given up, but with Stacey there telling me I can do one more lunge or hold my squat 10 more seconds, I do it. Eventually I want to get to the point where I can hold my own self accountable in my workout but for now I will take the feeling of being accountable to her.

Some facts that I learned about myself from this journey so far:
* I am quite flexible.
* I am uncoordinated.
* I feel better when I exercise.
* I am strong willed.
* I am crazy enough about my weight issue to wake up at 5:40am to workout!
* I don’t like falling off the ball flat on my face.
* My arms are so weak.

This isn’t going to be a walk in the park, but nothing you really want ever really is.

The days have passed so quickly since I registered Annie, KimberlyandMimi in the school. I know that Paulie will have a year full of adventure and maturation just as they did.

I didn’t think I would be upset knowing that the phases of my child rearing life are seeing ends, but I am a little. Just the title of this post made me a little sad. This is it, in one short year I will be registering Paul for kindergarten.

With Paul I thought it would feel different since he was in preschool this year, but it doesn’t. I think it has to do with certain stages; I know the growth that happens when a child is in pre-k. I know how much he will change and mature next year. The little boy before me will be continuing to change into a little man.

With a happy and joyful heart I am pleased to share my Paulie with the world. He is a joy to my life and I know he will do great things.

Today is different from all the other years that have passed. This year my Father is in heaven with her. There are very few times I ever heard my Father cry, but when Elizabeth had passed he cried. She meant a lot to all of us.

It hurts when I think about my children growing up without him. Knowing the Elizabeth is there with him, that he is loving her in ways I never could makes me happy.

The kids don’t know about Elizabeth, or any of the other angels. We don’t make a big production of the day, but my heart misses her. One day I will hold her, until then I know my Father is holding her tight for me. I know she is keeping him company. That he is teaching her about me just as I am teaching my children about him.

So I hope today they hold each other extra tight and know that I love them both deeply.